Meditation works, but I was so locked into depression…Let me put it like this. I had dug a canyon of neurological pathways in the sculpture of my brain for depression. It wasn’t just my default setting, it was my only setting. A brain ‘state’ was not going to change me, at least, not for very long.
I needed a ‘stage’ change, which is the meditation terminology of a permanent ‘state’ change. In other words, rewiring the brain. Making and creating new neural pathways. That’s what long term meditation can do for you. I’m given to understand that the frontal lobe actually increases.
Years ago I had read in Scientific America, that studies showed how Chess Masters and Soccer players and Olympic Gymnasts develop their brains in the area’s they need for that skill. Those area’s of the brain actually grew. They also said that it took about 10 years to develop the brain this way. I was shocked when I read the same thing in Outliers almost 15 years later.
The science is catching up to a lot of our experiences of healing.
But most of the time, I couldn’t even meditate, pray or do anything. And I also knew from experience, that treating it with any drug would only dull me to change.
So I continued the search for meditation tools that could help me when I was stuck, down and out. The one I finally settled on was a long term program that used Binaural Beats with the same equipment the CIA uses. And let me qualify here, it’s not for everyone. But I was desperate. I needed the most radical and thorough program out there. Now, I’m just being transparent, not doing a stupid info commercial.
I recorded a prayer I had written for the subliminal track, but later deleted it, because of the background noise.
For me, the permanent change began when they developed a Compassion Meditation CD for Gamma. I put those suckers on, and I couldn’t believe my ears. It was the same frequency my brain naturally goes into, every morning at about 10 o’clock. That’s my most creative time of the day. This CD was designed from the gamma brainwaves of Tibetan Monks who had prayed the compassion meditation for 35 or more years.
So when I started having compassion on myself, it started to click. I did the meditation as a prayer, and a cry to God: “May I be well. May I be happy. May I be free from suffering.” When I breath prayed: “May I be happy,”there was a little spark. Then I allowed myself to feel happiness. Suddenly I realized I hadn’t felt happy in 35 years. Joy yes, pleasure yes, but not happy. And the CD was kicking me into where I was dying to go. Freedom from constant suffering and misery.
I used it as a mental tonic for 20 min during Lunch break for 5 years. It was dynamic, and still is when I get into a brain lock and fall back into the canyon.
Listen, anyone who has ever suffered from depression, knows the pain of anger turned inward…The self hatred and the rage. And when well meaning pastors preach condemnation, trying to get people saved, they only reinforce and magnify their congregations self hatred and pain.
Listen up. It was the love of God that brought me to Jesus. He captured my heart. But it’s the theology of small minded men that imprisons so many, with the best of intentions, because they don’t really KNOW God. They know about him. But they don’t know the heart and soul, the blood, sweat and tears of Scripture or the price that Jesus paid for love alone…to free and heal us, and make us whole.
The fact that I care for suffering people is the ONLY reason that I would dare to tell my story. I don’t have all the answers. I can’t tell you what to do. But as one starving man to another, I can tell you where I’ve found peace.
And I will show you every tool in my toolbox. They work for me and they might work for you.
Finally, for me, now I can spiritually move into the presence of God at anytime or place. But it didn’t just happen. I still pray the Daily Office to keep me sharp, not to try and get there. And I still practice the mindfulness of being in gratefulness and compassion and forgiveness every day. And the love of Jesus becomes more apart of my life as I speak into other people’s lives.
And this is my story.